Confession

When I lived with Karina, we would sometimes walk into each others' room and say 'confession' .....and then spill the beans on something we did, said, thought, etc. that we wouldn't share with just anybody but we had to tell somebody. 

I'm almost too embarrassed to post this...but in an effort to include the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly, here it goes...

When asked once upon a time what Rick's favorite things about me were he answered "how loving and kind she is".

But sometimes I am not kind. 

It typically happens a few days before I start my period. 

I'm not saying it's all to blame on the hormones but I also don't think it's coincidence that it's around the same time of the month that I occasionally get a fit of fiesty-ness that makes me want to cry about anything. 

It's not cute. 

I get annoyed at one thing and it snowballs into everything and my poor Rick gets the brunt of it. 

He typically laughs or makes what would on a normal day be a funny comment..or he makes a comment that I would on any day take offense to - I'm sensitive. 

and then I'm mad. 

and then he says something I don't want to hear. 

and then I'm crying. 

and he's just confused as to why I'm crying. 

and then sorries are exchanged 

but I still feel embarrassed/guilty for acting like such a snob. 

And then a few days later when my period starts and I can literally feel the crazy escaping me - I remember I can repent and be better. I realize that it's those moments that allow me to grow and it's the comments my husband makes that my pride takes offense to that are actually the things I need to take to heart so that I can grow to be a better person. 

I realize that when I'm getting aggravated because the waiter is terrible and i'm hungry and he hasn't brought me ketchup and Rick is eating all the fries - yes, seriously ridiculous. I promise this is not typical behavior. and Rick tells me I'm being ridiculous, he isn't lacking compassion, he's telling me the truth and telling me I'm better than the way I'm acting.  

I love my husband so much. More than I know how to express. 

Sometimes I may not appreciate him calling out my faults at that moment - but if he didn't ever do that, he'd just be tolerating them. And then I wouldn't know in what ways I can improve myself or love him better. 

"Kindness is the essence of a celestial life" 

- and there is no other life I want to work towards while holding my sweet, sweet husband's hand as we journey on.

p.s. Rick grew up with no sisters so sometimes I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. 

(luckily he still tells me he loves me too)

Please tell me I'm not. 

Does your period sometimes make you cranky/emotional too?!

The Big Picture

I was going to title this thoughts on death but...that might have been awful. Plus, it also includes thoughts on life. 

One of my closest friends' grandfather passed away over the weekend and it made me realize it's been since 2009 that I lost someone close to me. I can get pretty emotional on the topic so I figured the more I remind myself and read up on why death is an essential part of this life, the better off I'll be...eventually. 

[I rediscovered two great talks by internationally renowned cardiothoracic surgeon and member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Russell M. Nelson. See here and here.] 

"Each organ of your body is a wondrous gift from God. Each eye has an auto-focusing lens. Nerves and muscles control two eyes to make a single three-dimensional image. The eyes are connected to the brain, which records the sights seen. Your heart is an incredible pump. It has four delicate valves that...open and close more than 100,000 times a day—36 million times a year...The body heals its cuts, bruises, and broken bones. (Be we reminded that a perfect body is not required to achieve one’s divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail or imperfect bodies. Great spiritual strength is often developed by people with physical challenges, precisely because they are so challenged.) 

If the body’s capacity for normal function, defense, repair, regulation, and regeneration were to prevail without limit, life here would continue in perpetuity. Yes, we would be stranded here on earth! Mercifully for us, our Creator provided for aging and other processes that would ultimately result in our physical death. 

Returning from earth to life in our heavenly home requires passage through—and not around—the doors of death. We were born to die, and we die to live. (2 Cor. 6:9.) Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life. {how terrible would that be?! I love love!} 

Think of the alternative. If all sixty-nine billion people who have ever lived on earth were still here, imagine the traffic jam!{Rick would be beyond ill about that jam}

Meanwhile, we who tarry here have a few precious moments remaining “to prepare to meet God.”(Alma 34:32.)"

Life does not begin with birth, nor does it end with death. It's not so much of a goodbye; it's more of a see ya later/until we meet again! woop.  

On a semi-related note...

Sometimes I find myself having a temporary lapse of judgement and getting so caught up in a job title that I start to wish I had chosen a different major (even though I LOVED mine! & had I not chosen the major I did, I wouldn't have had a great internship which influenced me in more ways than I feel like typing, I would not have met one of my now best friends, AND I would not have been around to date R! [hello, we got married! Whoa, can't imagine if that timing was off and I was living my life without him -- so at the end of the day, I remember why I'm SO happy about that choice), I get so caught up in wanting new clothes to dress stylishly that I seem ungrateful for all that I have, and in pinning ideas for our future children's clothes, rooms and birthday parties so I can be THAT mom that I lose time where I could be doing more important things. & I know R can get so stressed about the thought of future residency programs that he gets overwhelmed with what he is doing in that moment.  All the while forgetting, momentarily, that those things are not at all a method of valuing individual worth. There is so much more to each soul on this earth than those temporary things. Individual worth comes from the fact that we have divine potential; we are children of God. 'With the help of the scriptures, words of the prophets, and personal revelation, we gradually come to an awareness of our true nature and destiny.'  "The attributes by which we shall be judged one day are all spiritual. These include love, virtue, integrity, compassion, and service to others." 

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with pursuing a good job/title, nice clothes, preparing to be THAT mom, or hoping for a spot in a notable residency program. Nothing wrong at all, actually. It's just that "occasionally we [at least I] need to step back from the details of our lives and reacquaint ourselves with the big picture." To be reminded of what is truly important in this life and refocus on an eternal perspective. I recognize that our marriage in the temple is my most valuable accomplishment. It will have an everlasting effect on generations to come. The joy that comes and will come because of it is irreplaceable.

& since the title of this post is "The Big Picture".....and since I love pictures..I find it appropriate to post a big picture. So here is one from my biggest accomplishment :)